I am READY!

Late last night as I was trying to sleep, a few things came to me (this is when I do my best thinking!).

I remember when I decided to go ahead with ending my marriage.  I remember those next few weeks where I was so set on staying Single because I refused to go through the pain and heartache of not feeling valued, feeling loved and feeling lonely ever again!!  I mean, it was much easier to put up a huge wall and refuse to let any emotion run through my body and my heart.  I felt that way for the next few months after.

Since my separation, selling and moving and all the other changes that happened at the same time (I mean REALLY??) I really started digging deeper into my emotions.  My emotions about what I really wanted in life, what I truly wanted to live and experience and really dug deep and found value in myself <3.

Two months ago, I told everyone that If I ever dated, the person MUST fit A,B, C,D and that will be when I am ready to date.  Another excuse to not let myself be vulnerable and live life.  I was miserable.  I mean really, who wants to live life not experiencing any emotion at all??  It was a way of playing it safe.

About a month ago, I started toying with the idea of dating.  I mean, my history does not prove well as I really have never experienced dating, I have always found myself in relationship after relationship OR alone for many, many years.  So it SCARED the hell out of me ESPECIALLY that in today’s society, it is friggin hard to meet people and the easiest way was to go online, EEKS!!

So I did something I swore I would never do, I joined an online dating app.  It felt so weird and wrong.  I mean, It was so out of my comfort zone and so against everything that I believed (or thought I believed) but I kept pushing through those oh shit moments.

Two weeks later and I am LOVING it!! Seriously, when do you get the chance to chat with others like you do with online dating???  I mean, of course there are a ton of people on their looking for a booty call BUT there are a TON of people who are on there looking for the same thing you and myself are: life experiences, friendships, love and so on.

So back to last night’s thoughts: I finally realized that I am ready to experience emotions.  I want to feel happiness, excitement, boredom, sexiness, loneliness, heart ache, sadness and so on.  If I shut off my chance to experience all this, I will forever be lonely.  I want to feel all this because I want to feel ALIVE!!

I have no clue what I am really looking for or what is in store for me BUT I do know this: If I never take the chance at Love, I will never experience Love.

“Love does not happen in the comfort zone” – Kira Sabin (by the way, she is one awesome chick and EVERY single person should be listening to her http://leagueofadventuroussingles.com/)

Open yourself up to new experiences, you have absolutely nothing to fucking loose ❤ ❤ ❤

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This Journey has been LIFE CHANGING!

I have been struggling lately trying to find my place in this world.  I want so much but struggle to really figure out what I want.  So much has changed in this past year, my relationship status, my living situation, my job, my parenting, EVERYTHING ❤  

In order for me to really start figuring out what I want, I needed to revisit where I started.  With all the changes happening around me (at a very fast pace I will add) I forgot just how much I have really changed.  I wrote out my story a few years ago and I read it this morning and it brought up a lot of emotions and a lot of feelings.  Wow! I don’t even recognize the old me and even in the past few years since I started my journey, I have changed so much.

No wonder I am feeling kinda lost.  My whole life I grew up believing things about myself, figuring “that’s who I am” and stayed there.  I was a MESS!!  So I spent almost 30 years with those thoughts and beliefs and now the past 3-4 years, I have challenged every thought, every idea and have worked damn hard on myself.

 

Taken from a few years ago when I started this journey:

 

“I spent majority of my life hating myself.  I struggled with anorexia at a very young age (grade 6) and with that came body image issues, low self-esteem and misery.  I hid from the world the best I could so I would go unnoticed. But inside I was wishing that I could be someone more. Someone who wasn’t afraid of what others thought, wasn’t afraid to try new things, just someone else who wasn’t me.  I got myself into stupid situations, missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do in high school all because I was afraid to stand up for myself, afraid of what others may think of me if I put myself out there.  This continued on all throughout highschool and into adulthood.

 

I got myself into a horrible relationship and found myself pregnant at 21. I chose to get pregnant because I was desperate to have a baby. I look at it now as to why, I was desperate for love!  I stayed in that abusive relationship (which at the time I thought was love) until my son was 1.  I spent the next 8 years by myself because I felt it was the best way to not get hurt again.  My self worth was low, I was so hard on myself, always putting myself down.  My issues with my body continued, although I was no longer starving myself, I watched everything I ate and still had some habits that would show up depending on my mood.  I struggled every day. I would promise myself that I would start taking care of myself again. I would join a gym and never go. Or when I would go, if it was busy I would leave.  I would borrow random workout DVD’s from the library, trying to find something I liked. It never worked because they were just so random and I wouldn’t see results (which i wanted NOW) and I would quit.

 

In my late 20’s I did start to work on my inner self.  I was getting better but I struggled with my physical health.  I met an amazing guy and we ended up getting married a couple years later.  I still remember all the time I would put my body or myself down, he would say I am crazy and try to make me feel better but it didn’t matter what he said, I was not happy.

 

One night after searching the net, I came across my coaches website. Still not too sure how I did, but I did.  I inquired about the coaching and still thought all my problems would go away. Surprise, they didn’t 🙂  After a few months of arguing with myself, I finally bought P90X. I was excited.  And you know what the first thing my son said when I told him I bought it, “Why, it’s not like you will finish it”.  That broke my heart but it was the truth!!  As much as you think that you are hiding your unhealthy habits from your children, your family, they see it! They hear the little comments you make, they see the choices you make, they are learning!!  That hit me hard.  I knew I had to make changes.”

Today, I am stronger both mentally and physically.  I no longer look at food as a punishment or reward, no longer look at exercise as a punishment or a drag, no longer look at myself as a failure or a looser and I work HARD on making my life the happiest, healthiest that it can be for ME!!  I refuse to live my life for someone else anymore.  I refuse to stay stuck and just give up on life.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have tough days, days where I struggle mentally and physically but that is LIFE!! That is normal BUT I work on making those days bearable and work on changing so that those days do not turn into weeks, months and years ❤
This is EXACTLY why I am passionate about what I do.  This is also why I STRUGGLE with what I do.  I am a Coach. A coach that wants to help people FIND themselves, BELIEVE in themselves and truly BE HAPPY with themselves in EVERY SINGLE WAY!!  This is where the struggling part because so many people give up before they even really begin.  Changing your life is NO QUICK FIX! It takes TIME, EFFORT and HARD WORK and every step of the way is so WORTH it ❤ ❤

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I never understood…..

I never understood it.  I never understood why people got divorced.  I would see so many people go through it, see both sides, sometimes nasty and sometimes with respect.  I just never understood why a couple would choose to part when they committed themselves to each other for life.

I never understood why people couldn’t work through their issues.  I never understood why people gave up.  I never understood…………..until I went through it myself ❤

I was that judgmental person who thought everyone who went through a divorce was being selfish and quick to give up.  I admit, I was an ass!! Such an ass and I apologize to all the couples out there who chose to get divorced.

Choosing a divorce is not easy.  It’s not a decision to take lightly and there is always more behind the doors than anyone will ever know who do not live behind those doors.

I chose happiness.  I chose to stand up for myself because I deserve a life with fairness, respect, happiness, support and true companionship.  A couple has to choose together to work together to make a relationship work.  When it is one sided, it just doesn’t work. Someone is always giving more than receiving.  Someone is always putting their needs last.  This does not create balance and eventually it becomes so unbalanced that one side falls and falls hard.  This post is going to end here for now as way too many emotions are stirring to continue writing.

Please if you take anything away from this, just know that choosing a divorce was probably the very last chance that relationship had ❤ ❤

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Easier said than done…..

I struggle to get my message out there because I have so much to say and most of the time it comes out as gibberish 🙂  Then that creates a whole other issue inside my head, seriously I am my own worst enemy.  But then again, aren’t we all???

It’s about time that stops. We need to stand up for ourselves and tell ourselves to fuck off and leave shit alone!! Seriously, I get so mad at myself because 1) I know better than that 2)It’s so annoying and it pisses me off.  But you know what I have learned in the past 2 weeks?  My brain has been conditioned to think a certain way.  I have spent years and years training my brain to behave and think a certain way and now that I am challenging those thoughts, ideas and beliefs, it is acting like a screaming toddler throwing the biggest tantrum EVER!!

Every time I stand up for myself and I fall down, I need to be lending out a hand and helping myself get back up with some care and love. Last thing I need is to beat myself up even more for trying to change.  Change takes time.  Change takes compassion. Change takes love and understanding.

I know that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.  I know there are so many of you out there fighting to make changes in your life (it doesn’t matter what it is, change is hard) and so many of you who are not practicing self care and compassion.

Please STOP! Please stop tearing yourself apart, nobody wins and it definitely doesn’t help create that change you are looking for.

I am currently working on a project that I hope will help others start practicing self care and giving compassion to the most important person, themselves ❤

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Merry Christmas

This christmas season has been a strange one in my family.  Definitely out of the norm which creates a ton of emotions.  As I sit here and write, my house is super quiet and only lit by the lamp in the living room.

No tree, no wrapped presents, no stockings. Only a sleeping dog and a sleeping teen and a very chilly morning (Where did that come from??)

It’s going to be a quiet day.  As much as it is weird, I am looking forward to it.  I am happy that there is no running around today from place to place.  Out of all the years, this is truly the year that it worked out perfectly to have a quiet christmas ❤

I wish all my readers a Merry Christmas and all the best wishes for 2016!  It’s going to be a big year, I can feel it.  I know it will be better than 2015 🙂

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A lot of changes are happening in my world!!! Many that I am dealing with the emotions and feelings each and every day.  The past few weeks I picked up journaling to help me deal with the build up of emotions.  Some I understood, many I still don’t understand.

One day, I will be ready to share what is going on but for now, I have to deal with this process not so publicly.  It’s tough!! I want to share because I want to help others who may be going through the same thing.  But as I learned in my counselling session (yes, I found a new therapist 🙂 ) I tend to take on everyone’s stress and try to fix everything!!  So right now, I need to focus on me ❤   Psst, I think I have been telling myself that for a long time now.

The road of self discovery, self realization is a bumpy one.  I came across this post the other day and it made a TON OF SENSE!!  I hope it does for you too ❤

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I have been meaning to write this post all week but just like this whole month, time is going way too fast!!

I am happy to say that I have been having a much better week.  I’ve been looking back at this month, what i’ve done, what I haven’t done and my progress.  Remember that calendar I posted at the beginning of the month??  Well, I didn’t even touch it.  I had this huge plan and I didn’t use it.  This month, I kind of let my emotions lead me through.  And you know what? I am ok with that.  I think so many times I get wrapped up in a “plan” and I get upset or annoyed if things don’t go according to plan.  That isn’t healthy for me at all so it was nice to just let things go their own course.

Coming out of this month, I still don’t have a lot figured out but I do feel a little more relaxed and have some stuff to work on. That’s why this is called a journey.  Changing your lifestyle is a process.  Any area in your life, change will take time, patience and a lot of self love to get through the bumps and the downfalls.

Don’t ever give up!! Having a rough day, allow yourself to feel it out and pick yourself up the next day.  Having a great day, celebrate those feelings and remember why you are doing this ❤

Live your LIFE in a way that makes you HAPPY ❤ ❤

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