I am READY!

Late last night as I was trying to sleep, a few things came to me (this is when I do my best thinking!).

I remember when I decided to go ahead with ending my marriage.  I remember those next few weeks where I was so set on staying Single because I refused to go through the pain and heartache of not feeling valued, feeling loved and feeling lonely ever again!!  I mean, it was much easier to put up a huge wall and refuse to let any emotion run through my body and my heart.  I felt that way for the next few months after.

Since my separation, selling and moving and all the other changes that happened at the same time (I mean REALLY??) I really started digging deeper into my emotions.  My emotions about what I really wanted in life, what I truly wanted to live and experience and really dug deep and found value in myself <3.

Two months ago, I told everyone that If I ever dated, the person MUST fit A,B, C,D and that will be when I am ready to date.  Another excuse to not let myself be vulnerable and live life.  I was miserable.  I mean really, who wants to live life not experiencing any emotion at all??  It was a way of playing it safe.

About a month ago, I started toying with the idea of dating.  I mean, my history does not prove well as I really have never experienced dating, I have always found myself in relationship after relationship OR alone for many, many years.  So it SCARED the hell out of me ESPECIALLY that in today’s society, it is friggin hard to meet people and the easiest way was to go online, EEKS!!

So I did something I swore I would never do, I joined an online dating app.  It felt so weird and wrong.  I mean, It was so out of my comfort zone and so against everything that I believed (or thought I believed) but I kept pushing through those oh shit moments.

Two weeks later and I am LOVING it!! Seriously, when do you get the chance to chat with others like you do with online dating???  I mean, of course there are a ton of people on their looking for a booty call BUT there are a TON of people who are on there looking for the same thing you and myself are: life experiences, friendships, love and so on.

So back to last night’s thoughts: I finally realized that I am ready to experience emotions.  I want to feel happiness, excitement, boredom, sexiness, loneliness, heart ache, sadness and so on.  If I shut off my chance to experience all this, I will forever be lonely.  I want to feel all this because I want to feel ALIVE!!

I have no clue what I am really looking for or what is in store for me BUT I do know this: If I never take the chance at Love, I will never experience Love.

“Love does not happen in the comfort zone” – Kira Sabin (by the way, she is one awesome chick and EVERY single person should be listening to her http://leagueofadventuroussingles.com/)

Open yourself up to new experiences, you have absolutely nothing to fucking loose ❤ ❤ ❤

This Journey has been LIFE CHANGING!

I have been struggling lately trying to find my place in this world.  I want so much but struggle to really figure out what I want.  So much has changed in this past year, my relationship status, my living situation, my job, my parenting, EVERYTHING ❤  

In order for me to really start figuring out what I want, I needed to revisit where I started.  With all the changes happening around me (at a very fast pace I will add) I forgot just how much I have really changed.  I wrote out my story a few years ago and I read it this morning and it brought up a lot of emotions and a lot of feelings.  Wow! I don’t even recognize the old me and even in the past few years since I started my journey, I have changed so much.

No wonder I am feeling kinda lost.  My whole life I grew up believing things about myself, figuring “that’s who I am” and stayed there.  I was a MESS!!  So I spent almost 30 years with those thoughts and beliefs and now the past 3-4 years, I have challenged every thought, every idea and have worked damn hard on myself.

 

Taken from a few years ago when I started this journey:

 

“I spent majority of my life hating myself.  I struggled with anorexia at a very young age (grade 6) and with that came body image issues, low self-esteem and misery.  I hid from the world the best I could so I would go unnoticed. But inside I was wishing that I could be someone more. Someone who wasn’t afraid of what others thought, wasn’t afraid to try new things, just someone else who wasn’t me.  I got myself into stupid situations, missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do in high school all because I was afraid to stand up for myself, afraid of what others may think of me if I put myself out there.  This continued on all throughout highschool and into adulthood.

 

I got myself into a horrible relationship and found myself pregnant at 21. I chose to get pregnant because I was desperate to have a baby. I look at it now as to why, I was desperate for love!  I stayed in that abusive relationship (which at the time I thought was love) until my son was 1.  I spent the next 8 years by myself because I felt it was the best way to not get hurt again.  My self worth was low, I was so hard on myself, always putting myself down.  My issues with my body continued, although I was no longer starving myself, I watched everything I ate and still had some habits that would show up depending on my mood.  I struggled every day. I would promise myself that I would start taking care of myself again. I would join a gym and never go. Or when I would go, if it was busy I would leave.  I would borrow random workout DVD’s from the library, trying to find something I liked. It never worked because they were just so random and I wouldn’t see results (which i wanted NOW) and I would quit.

 

In my late 20’s I did start to work on my inner self.  I was getting better but I struggled with my physical health.  I met an amazing guy and we ended up getting married a couple years later.  I still remember all the time I would put my body or myself down, he would say I am crazy and try to make me feel better but it didn’t matter what he said, I was not happy.

 

One night after searching the net, I came across my coaches website. Still not too sure how I did, but I did.  I inquired about the coaching and still thought all my problems would go away. Surprise, they didn’t 🙂  After a few months of arguing with myself, I finally bought P90X. I was excited.  And you know what the first thing my son said when I told him I bought it, “Why, it’s not like you will finish it”.  That broke my heart but it was the truth!!  As much as you think that you are hiding your unhealthy habits from your children, your family, they see it! They hear the little comments you make, they see the choices you make, they are learning!!  That hit me hard.  I knew I had to make changes.”

Today, I am stronger both mentally and physically.  I no longer look at food as a punishment or reward, no longer look at exercise as a punishment or a drag, no longer look at myself as a failure or a looser and I work HARD on making my life the happiest, healthiest that it can be for ME!!  I refuse to live my life for someone else anymore.  I refuse to stay stuck and just give up on life.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have tough days, days where I struggle mentally and physically but that is LIFE!! That is normal BUT I work on making those days bearable and work on changing so that those days do not turn into weeks, months and years ❤
This is EXACTLY why I am passionate about what I do.  This is also why I STRUGGLE with what I do.  I am a Coach. A coach that wants to help people FIND themselves, BELIEVE in themselves and truly BE HAPPY with themselves in EVERY SINGLE WAY!!  This is where the struggling part because so many people give up before they even really begin.  Changing your life is NO QUICK FIX! It takes TIME, EFFORT and HARD WORK and every step of the way is so WORTH it ❤ ❤

Easier said than done…..

I struggle to get my message out there because I have so much to say and most of the time it comes out as gibberish 🙂  Then that creates a whole other issue inside my head, seriously I am my own worst enemy.  But then again, aren’t we all???

It’s about time that stops. We need to stand up for ourselves and tell ourselves to fuck off and leave shit alone!! Seriously, I get so mad at myself because 1) I know better than that 2)It’s so annoying and it pisses me off.  But you know what I have learned in the past 2 weeks?  My brain has been conditioned to think a certain way.  I have spent years and years training my brain to behave and think a certain way and now that I am challenging those thoughts, ideas and beliefs, it is acting like a screaming toddler throwing the biggest tantrum EVER!!

Every time I stand up for myself and I fall down, I need to be lending out a hand and helping myself get back up with some care and love. Last thing I need is to beat myself up even more for trying to change.  Change takes time.  Change takes compassion. Change takes love and understanding.

I know that I am not the only one out there who feels this way.  I know there are so many of you out there fighting to make changes in your life (it doesn’t matter what it is, change is hard) and so many of you who are not practicing self care and compassion.

Please STOP! Please stop tearing yourself apart, nobody wins and it definitely doesn’t help create that change you are looking for.

I am currently working on a project that I hope will help others start practicing self care and giving compassion to the most important person, themselves ❤

A Quick Little Background on ME!!

I’ve always struggled to put my story into words because I have a hard time explaining exactly how much my life has changed in the past year. So here goes it!

    I spent majority of my life hating myself. I struggled with anorexia at a very young age (grade 6) and with that came body image issues, low self-esteem and misery. I hid from the world the best I could so I would go unnoticed. But inside I was wishing that I could be someone more. Someone who wasn’t afraid of what others thought, wasn’t afraid to try new things, just someone else who wasn’t me. I got myself into stupid situations, missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do in high school all because I was afraid to stand up for myself, afraid of what others may think of me if I put myself out there. This continued on all throughout high school and into adulthood.

    I got myself into a horrible relationship and found myself pregnant at 21. I chose to get pregnant because I was desperate to have a baby. I look at it now as to why, I was desperate for love! I stayed in that abusive relationship (which at the time I thought was love) until my son was 1. I spent the next 8 years by myself because I felt it was the best way to not get hurt again. My self worth was low, I was so hard on myself, always putting myself down. My issues with my body continued, although I was no longer starving myself, I watched everything I ate and still had some habits that would show up depending on my mood. I struggled every day. I would promise myself that I would start taking care of myself again. I would join a gym and never go. Or when I would go, if it was busy I would leave. I would borrow random workout DVD’s from the library, trying to find something I liked. It never worked because they were just so random and I wouldn’t see results (which i wanted NOW) and I would quit.

    In my late 20’s I did start to work on my inner self. I was getting better but I struggled with my physical health. I met an amazing guy and we ended up getting married a couple years later. I still remember all the time I would put my body or myself down, he would say I am crazy and try to make me feel better but it didn’t matter what he said, I was not happy.

    One night after searching the net, I came across my coaches website. Still not too sure how I did, but I did. I inquired about the coaching and still thought all my problems would go away. Surprise, they didn’t 🙂 After a few months of arguing with myself, I finally bought P90X. I was excited. And you know what the first thing my son said when I told him I bought it, “Why, it’s not like you will finish it”. That broke my heart but it was the truth!! As much as you think that you are hiding your unhealthy habits from your children, your family, they see it! They hear the little comments you make, they see the choices you make, they are learning!! That hit me hard. I knew I had to make changes.

    I bought P90X a little over a year ago. I did finish that program (with some bumps along the way) and I can’t explain the feelings I felt after finishing that program!! It was amazing!! I felt stronger and happier, motivated to keep going and PROUD!!!

    I honestly believe what kept me going (my motivation and desire to change my ways, to grow) was my decision to become a beachbody coach. I wanted to help other people who were struggling with low self-esteem, that inner struggle with themselves, that feeling of hopelessness. As a coach, I have pushed myself in more ways that I can ever imagine. This past year has been one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I have been on. I have had an amazing support team helping me along the way and I cherish each and every one of them. See with change comes a lot of feelings. Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is scary but amazing!! Becoming a coach, I have not only helped others but I helped myself! I have done things in this past year (like posting my T25 results pictures on the internet) that I would never have had the strength to do.

    I have big dreams (which I once thought was a waste of time) and I can’t wait to see what the future brings!!

 

My Fear of Success

So I have a been a little absent lately.  Over worked, tired and exhausted, I have put some things aside. As I dealt with the emotional toll of not getting things done that I had planned, I took a step back and got back on my personal development bandwagon.  If you are like me, I tend to go through spurts.  I find that when I start feeling motivated, I quit reading.  But the idea is to keep going even when you are on top of everything.  But when I do slide and slip backward, I always wonder why.  It leaves me exhausted, emotionally drained and wanting to give up.

I believe I have found the answer. I am afraid of success. I am scared of succeeding.  You hear a lot about fear of failure, well I am the opposite (and have learned that it is quite common).

So what does this mean? You see, I have always played it safe.  I look back and I have always taken the safe road, made safer choices, my risk taking was pretty non-existent, I lived life in the shadows of others.  Anything so I would go unnoticed.  But yet, in my head, my dreams, I have always wanted more.  So many opportunities I let slip by me because I was too scared of actually being good at something.  I grew up always thinking that everything I did had to be perfect and nothing was good enough unless it was perfect. But what is perfect? There is no real definition for perfect because perfect is determined by one’s perception. We all have a different idea of what perfect means. What’s considered perfect to you is different than what is considered perfect to me.  

Success brings on a lot of responsibility. People expect certain things from you, you are open to criticism, you are vulnerable.  If you continue to play it safe, nobody really notices you there, no real expectations, nothing.  That’s it, just nothing.  I realized, I don’t want to live my life doing nothing, be nobody. I don’t want to live my life in the comfort zone because not much grows there.  It’s just the same thing, day after day. Moving out of the comfort zone is scary as hell but exciting and exhilarating.  Once you continuously work on getting out there (out of that zone), you will begin to realize how much more you want out of life. All of a sudden, you will have ideas and thoughts that you once believed was never possible.  You will learn ways to get what you want out of life. There will be times where your old self wants to jump ship and swim as fast as you can back to the good ol comfort zone.  But have patience, learn to trust yourself, things will happen. You just have to keep pushing through, push through those waves, those storms, those calm waters. The road to success is bumpy, full of obstacles and misdirection but it’s an amazing road to be on!  Find others who want to join you and support you.

There is a plan for every single one of us, it is up to us to figure out what that is and be amazing at it!!

I admit, I needed HELP

I have a confession…..I fell off the fitness road and needed help getting back on track!

This was the longest stretch that I have gone without a workout, lost all motivation and could not get out of my mood.  I felt stuck!! And what did I do about it?  I got mad at myself every day because I know I don’t want this for me.  I know that exercising will boost my mood, I know that eating healthy will keep me energized, I know that I can do this and yet I just could not motivate myself to move.   I continued to sink deeper.  I think knowing what I needed to do and not doing it made me feel more down and depressed.  I needed help to get out of this funk!

So for the first time, I really reached out to my support group.  I mean, I really reached out.  It was hard to do at first, I mean to let so many people know that you are struggling and needing help puts you in a vulnerable place.  The support and love I received was overwhelming.  It was so uplifting and helpful, not judgmental or down putting.  It gave me the boost I needed to get myself back on track and in the right direction.

I couldn’t imagine my health and fitness journey without my support group.  We are truly all there for each other!!  Support groups help in so many ways but here’s the thing: They can only help you if you are honest with yourself and them, communicate and participate  and are ready to commit to making changes.

We all have times where we fall off, lose motivation, make unhealthy food choices, let life get in the way of reaching our goals, etc.  It happens and it’s OK to admit that!   Sometimes we can get back on track ourselves, but sometimes we need the help of others.

If you are looking for a great support group who will have your back and motivate you, contact me to join me and my group.  Just knowing that there are people out there who have gone through or are going through the same things as you will help you find your way and keep you on track

Change is Exciting…………. and Scary

So I have been doing a lot of personal development and working really hard at changing some of my ways.  I have overcome so many challenges and changed so much in the past year.  I am proud of how far I have come.

 In the past year, I have overcome some personal hurdles. I am growing into the person I have so long wanted to be. Opportunities have come my way that I never thought would ever happen, not to me.  I am feeling better physically than I ever have.  I no longer fear getting older.  With all this progress and excitement, I am struggling.  I have come to a place where I have changed so much it’s scaring me.  The old me would run or shut down when things got weird or hard.  I know I can’t function like that anymore.

  It’s scary changing who you thought you always were.  In trying to find myself, I am finding a person who is different than I expected.  I am finding things out about myself that I never knew existed.  Some good, some bad.  Not necessarily bad in a bad way, just learning to deal with different aspects of my personality.

 But one thing I have learned in this process, if the change you are experiencing scares you, then it must be right.  To see change, you must push yourself out of your comfort zone.  Pushing your self out of that comfort zone forces you to change to your new surrounding.  That is when you see growth.

 The reason I find change so scary sometimes is because the old me would just run away but the new me isn’t going any where.  I am here to push myself mentally and physically.

 I quickly wrote this up because right now I am in the middle of some changes and once I get that settled, I have a new blog post to get up.  This change thing has been bugging me lately, as i have had some down days again and can’t figure out why.  It’s becasue I am scared shitless, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!!  ❤

My Journey Part 3 – A Place of Happiness

Last year was full of surprises and changes.  Around this time last year, I really started getting down and had all these wishes to be in shape, happy, do a 5k run, healthy, etc.  They were wishes.  I didn’t do a single thing about it but complain.  Sure I would start some new fitness disc that I had piled up downstairs.  But it wasn’t enough. I remember seeing a infomercial about insanity.  I thought, I could do that.  All those people who’s lives changed.  I even had the phone and credit card in my hand.  I remember my son saying,”why bother, you won’t stick with it” and it hit me.  He was right.  I wouldn’t.
A few months later, I was surfing the net and I am still really not too sure how I landed on a website that ended up being the beginning of finding the real me.  This site was the personal site of a person who is now my coach.  When I first became in contact with her, I had all these hopes that my life was just going to fall into place. Finally, I was going to get what I wanted.  But it was still up to me.  I think it took me about 2 months to finally commit to a workout program.  There was no pushing me or pressuring me to do it now or empty promises.  I needed to be ready to start this journey and she knew that.
So I started P90X and had support via my coach and fellow team mates.  That’s what we all are, team mates.  We help each other in so many ways.  In the first month, I saw changes in my mental attitude.  Sure I felt stronger physically, but the mental changes I was experiencing was motivating and exhilarating!!  By the time I finished the program, I had more confidence and felt healthy and in shape.  I didn’t get results like I thought I was going to get, I got something completely different.  I got ME in a healthier, happier and more confident form than I had ever seen in myself.
I was so motivated and really felt that I wanted others to find their inner self and I wanted to help people get to that place.  So I decided I wanted to become a Coach myself. I signed up, got my next program and continued on. When I got the program, I was determined to start this program right.  Take before and after pictures and submit to earn my t-shirt!! So I took pictures and cried.  Why did I cry?  I was so happy with myself and I just could not understand why the pictures bothered me so much.  I realized I still had a lot of issues to deal with.  I took those pics, I picked them apart, cried, etc.  So I loaded them to my computer and didn’t look at them again.  I was so disappointed with myself.  How could I not see what I saw in the mirror.  The old me was taking over and I felt lost and hopeless. I continued with the program, felt amazing and was seeing my body change.  It boosted me a lot. Through out, I didn’t think about the picture thing, I just figured it wasn’t for me.
By the end of the program, I was feeling good.  I had already purchased P90X3, joined the challenge group and was getting ready to begin that part of my journey.  I took my measurements and took out the camera.  I didn’t think about it, I just started snapping.  I didn’t even think about what i was wearing, how i was standing or the fact that I felt a little bloated that day. I just did it. I didn’t analyze each and every picture, didn’t criticize myself, nothing!  Then the most amazing part happened.  I posted them up to team beachbody and entered my results in to get my T25 shirt.  It shocked me! What was even more shocking, I posted them in my support group.  There they were for everyone to see.  None of my old thoughts when through my head.  I felt happy and proud.  Proud of myself for getting over that hurdle in my life.
I have grown a lot over the past 6 months and I am pushing myself more and more out of my comfort zone and becoming the person I have always wanted to be.  That person was always inside me, it just took a long time to get her out.
I hope that I can help others overcome their obstacles in their lives so they can feel the freedom and happiness when they succeed.

My Journey Part 2 – The Roller Coaster Years

 I call this next post the roller coaster years because that’s what it felt like.  This post has taken a bit to write because even thinking about it, my mind is all over the place. So I apologize now if I ramble a lot. I was so messed up. Dealing with all the issues I was dealing with and ending high school.  I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.  I landed myself in a very hostile relationship that I could not get out of.  Physically I could, but mentally I could not let go. Bring me to 21 and I am pregnant.  The thoughts are racing through my head, “how am I going to handle putting on weight?”  Funny thing is, I didn’t starve myself at all throughout my pregnancy. It was like the switch went off and I knew I needed to be healthy for this baby.  However, I did count every calorie I consumed and exercised my whole pregnancy.  I had a good pregnancy, gained the healthy weight needed and it didn’t bug me.  However, it may have to do a lot with the fact that I barely showed I was pregnant.  I was 8 months pregnant and still wearing a lot of my normal clothes.  Those who knew that I didn’t eat a lot, bugged me and gave me crap because I must of been starving myself.  I was so mad!! I wasn’t but nobody took the time to notice.  Anyway, fast forward to after baby and the starving myself began again.

    Over the next 10+ years, I was up and down.  Low self esteem, eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, abusive relationship, etc all contributed to a miserable life.  I would get depressed, complain about myself, start a workout routine, quit the routine, complain, be depressed. What a miserable cycle.  I was lost.  Starving myself (for days) finally did come to an end in University (about 9 years ago) with the help of a really great friend who just understood me.  She never judged me, always trying to boost my esteem and helping me out.  I started eating a lot healthier and realized that I did need to eat to be healthy.  But if I had something to do (like swimming), I wouldn’t eat until after it was over. So my eating disorder was not as extreme as it was but it was still an issue.

    I focused more on my body and what was wrong with it.  I picked apart everything, my mood still depending on how I felt that day. I always talked myself down, always! Again, I would start the cycle of attempting to get in shape.  I didn’t stick to anything!  A lot of things factored into me failing.  I would just throw together whatever workout I thought of, wasn’t consistent, didn’t have a plan, expected to see results too soon and would get discouraged.  I complained but did nothing about it.  But as I was getting older, my body started changing and it scared me.  I no longer could get away with being “skinny” and having that false idea that I was healthy and in shape.  I had ignored myself for so long that I couldn’t see what was happening. I should also mention that in the later part of this time period, I went vegetarian and a couple years ago I went vegan.  After being vegan for a few months, I lost 13 pounds.  13 pounds that I didn’t even realize I had put on.  But after losing those 13 pounds, those old feelings rushed back into my head.  I was so happy to be back at a weight that I was happy with, I was scared to gain it back.  That is when I realized, I really do still have an issue and need to do something about it!

Stay tuned for Part 3